Fears of Impending Motherhood

I'm expecting my third baby in September. It wasn't a total surprise, just a small one, but it's still hard to imagine how our lives will change with this new baby. I find that I'm more sober this time around. When Brianna was born, I knew life would change, but I had no earthly idea how everything was going to change -- even the way I related to the rest of the world. I had barely had time to absorb the realities of motherhood when Alexander was on his way. Brianna had been an "easy" baby, so again, I had no clue what was in store for me. I was unprepared for a baby who hated to sleep, refused any and all pacifiers or lovies, and needed nearly constant skin to skin touch. By the time he was 2, Firmin and I were sure we were done having children. He had the most delightful and entertaining personality of anyone in the family (still does), but he exhausted us. Thus, both my pregnancies were spent in a kind of naive bliss; the first a product of total ignorance, the second a product of false confidence. This time, my happiness is more tempered. I trust that this baby will be a bigger blessing to our family than I can now imagine, but I also know that every change brings challenges and even some loss.

I'm hopeful about many aspects -- having a baby with 5 and 7 year old siblings will be dramatically different from the last time, when we had a 24 month old toddler. Brianna and Alexander can put on their own clothes, coats, and shoes. They can get their own breakfast and drinks of water. They can buckle themselves into the car on their own. They can do simple housekeeping tasks without much supervision. Both will be able to hold and play with the baby and mind it for short periods while I shower or make lunch. Brianna will be able to pick the baby up and carry it once it can hold it's head steady. They are both eager to be helpful and loving, and I know they will be.

In other areas, I'm preparing for changes that will be inevitable. As Brianna and Alexander have become more independent, I've created routines that take up more time or require a more stringent schedule than a baby will allow. Baking and cooking mostly from scratch, tending a medium size vegetable garden and preserving the produce from it, knitting, reading for pleasure, going to museums on the spur of the moment -- all will become more complicated, and many will have to be put on the back burner for a year or more. I know these are small things, to be postponed only for a time. It's just that I feel I've only recently reached this point of contentment and confidence as a mother, and soon things are going to be thrown up in the air again. It will be a spiritual exercise in patience and acceptance of one's season of life. How we will manage our homeschooling is another open question. I'm the kind of person who likes to know how things will go in advance so I can plan, yet there is just no way to know how this baby will affect our routine. We will simply have to wait and see and work with the baby's rhythms.

This time around I know something I didn't fully know when I was expecting my last two babies. I know that by welcoming another child, I'm signing on for more joy, laughter, and love; for more growth, challenge, and uncertainty; and yes, even for more pain, tears, and difficulty. One thing I've learned in nearly 7 years of parenting is that it's a package deal. You take the bitter with the sweet, the self-sacrifice with the gratification, the fear of the unknown with the thrill of moving forward in love.

Come September Baby, I'll welcome you with arms, heart and eyes open wide.